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Monday, June 30, 2008

Saying Goodbye

Momgoingtofl It is so hard to say "goodbye" to someone you love.  This morning, my mother left for an extended visit with my brothers in Florida.  She plans on staying several months and spending time with them.  I think it is a good thing, but something made me break down this morning in her bedroom and I had the most awful feeling that this was the last time I would see my mother.  I pray that isn't true.  I don't know what I would do without her.  She has lived with us for 10 years, and although we disagree at times, 95% of the time it is calm and normal and happy around here.

My mother has never been one to verbalize her feelings or emotions.  Me, on the other hand, I'm a blubbering idiot.  I hug, I kiss, I cry, I hug some more, I cry louder, I write letters of endearment, I'm a mess.  Naturally, and quite opposite from me, Mom is disconnected.  I rarely see her show emotion and she hardly ever verbalizes her feelings.  She has always been that way, though.  Her own mother passed away when she was 11 years old and I am sure that that experience changed who she is forever.  I don't think she ever got over her mother's death, because to hear her talk about it, I think that is the only time I see my mother show raw emotion. 

Fortunately for us, my mother is pretty sharp.  She will be 84 years old this October and seems to have an excellent memory.  Better than mine most of the time now that I think about it.  She has lost a bit of her reasoning and judgment capabilities in the last year or so I have noticed.  I suppose that is all a part of aging. 

I am blessed to have had her with us this long.  She has been involved with the family as best she can and helpful around the house now and then too.  She'll cook occasionally and help unload or load the dishwasher.  She'll even drive herself to her doctor appointments (don't worry, she doesn't drive hardly at all but she is a good driver consider her age).  Yeap, we've been very blessed to have her with us.

Momgoingtofl4It is so hard to see her go, even if it is supposedly just for a visit.  For some reason, this time, I broke down.  I'm still all in knots inside right now just writing about her.  I love her so much. She has always been central in my life and has been there thru so many difficult times.  I know that my mother has always had the best of intentions even when we didn't always take her advice. 

She's been good to us.  She hasn't always been there for me or the children emotionally, but she's there if you know what I mean.  She'll complain about the mess, or the kids, or our dog, or Bob's eating habits, or the groceries we buy.  There is always something for her to complain about - but I try to appreciate and value the fact that she is with us to complain.  She is here and I love her.  She is with us even if she is difficult at times.  Heck, we are all difficult at times.

"Mom, I love you.  I love you more than you could ever possibly know.  I appreciate you so very much.  I am grateful for all that you have done for us.  I miss you already and you haven't even taken off on that stinkin' plane yet.  I love you, I love you, I love you.  You are the center of my world and in many ways the biggest part of who I am today.  I only wanted you to be proud of me.  I only wanted you to love me too - and tell me so.  I hope you have a wonderful time in Florida - relax, enjoy the balmy breezes, the quiet (because it certainly isn't quiet around here).  Take care of yourself, eat well. 

I love you.  I know you will call me everyday and if the day gets late and I haven't heard from you, I will certainly call you.  Good grief, we'll probably talk on the phone more than 5 times a day."  Thank you Sprint.  I guess in many ways this is an open letter to my mother. 

Love you Mom - bunches.  Susan

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