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By Sarah Vaughn »

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Planes, Panic, and Long Road Trips

Aviation-SBDSatCoralSea by you.

Man-oh-Man-oh-Man.  I must be crazy.  Yep, I'm crazy alright.  But, it's for a good cause.  Actually, it's for a good friend.  Awww, more than that, I want to get the heck out of here for about 4-5 days and pretend I'm 18 again.  Yeah Man, that's the ticket.  I want to pretend I'm a crazy teenager again - with Alison.  So, on Tuesday, I'm flying to New Mexico (a-riva a-riva - whatever) and that, in and of itself, is going to be the trip from hell. 

Alisonsmiling2.jpg by you.

Then I am crashing at Alison's house, helping her pack up some more (she's been packing for weeks now), and we are driving across this grand country of ours back to North Carolina. 

Alisonsmiling1.jpg by you.

It gives me the willies just thinking about it.  But I am going to jump in the front seat of this roller coaster ride and haul ass down the road with Alison, 2 cats (or is that 3?), 1 Chihuahua, and a Gecko from New Mexico to North Carolina.  I'll probably have the poops before I get on that big-dang Airbus.  I should load up on Xanax and Immodium AD quick.  I am sure I'm going to need it.  I can feel the panic starting to rise up and down my spine already.

ExoticAlison2.jpg by you.

Hey, but I think of it this way - Alison is moving everything - her entire life out here to be close to me.  To us.  To this nutty family of ours.  From Geckos to Baby Grand pianos, it's all comin' and I couldn't be happier.  If you've read this blog of mine, then you may be familiar with Alison.  She's my friend of 34 years.  Our lives have taken us all over this country (more hers than mine) and we've been thru a few men in the process.  (Just a few) Fortunately, I've been married for 16 years to my Big Bear and that ain't changin' anytime soon - or later for that matter.  What Alison needs is a Big Bear of her own.  She has parameters, though, for what will measure up to her standards.

ExoticAlison.jpg by you.

For instance: He has to be tall.  Not too tall, just tall.  As in 5'11" - 6'6".  Somewhere in there.  Then, he has to be between the ages of 43 - 60.  But only if he is a young 60, because she is a young 49.  Let's see...hmmm. 

CapitalDC by you.

Oh, he must be educated.  (No politicians)  No less than a Bachelor's degree and preferably more educated.  He must be successful and have an established career. 

LifeguardYMCA by you.

No cracker-jacks please.  We've seen what surprises are in those boxes and they're not worth it.  In other words, don't go clamoring for her personal assets.  She's not bitin' that game.  Either you treat her like a lady, pay for the damn meal and movie when you go out, and open her door, or don't bother.  None of this "share" crap.  We're old fashioned.  We like to be treated like a lady - and the man pays.  If you don't want a lady, and don't want to pay for the entire meal, Alison ain't for you. 

AlisonandSusan3.jpg by you.

She's not lookin' for a sugar-daddy, either.  She's not even lookin' for a daddy.  But you better have some sugar or forget it.  Too many men out there have thrown salt on a wound that looked a lot like sugar and  she still has a bad taste in her mouth from it.  Want to know what that tastes like?  Just pour a teaspoon of salt into your coffee instead of sugar.  That ought to wake you up real quick.  No fakes allowed.  Go chivvy with someone else.

GilElvgren.jpg by you.

Only Gentleman are going to be permitted to date Alison.  She may be my friend, but I'm keeping her on a short leash.  I love her dammit.  She deserves the best, thank you very much. 

AlisonandRoadster.jpg by you.

Oh, but only when she's ready.  And right now she's not ready for a man to take over. 

Susandriving.jpg by you.

She just may want me to take over the wheel, though, driving home.  That's a scary thought.  She has a lot to do first.  Like get settled in this complex place I call home, and find a job if she wants too, and then find a place of her own to call home - no more than 15 minutes from my house or I'm complainin' to the Realtor.

AlisonandSusan4.jpg by you.

So Tuesday.  Tuesday's the day.  Woooh.  I'm having a hot flash.  Pardon me.  "Air!  I need Air!"  Oh, I guess I'm going to be "Air" born on Tuesday aren't I?  I think I'll take a Xanax for good measure, my camera, of course, to document this incredible trip, and a pillow.  Have to have a pillow in case I want to bury my face in it at 34,000 feet.  I can't have a panic attack.  Nope.  Can't happen.  Can it? 

NeighborsYard4.jpg by you.

I will be so happy to be home!  Uuuuh, that's not my house.  That is definitely not my yard.  Nice home though.

DSC_0013.JPG by you.

Good Lord, I haven't even left yet and I'm already anxious to get home. Talk about a fuddy-duddy.  Excuse me, while I correct that - Fuddy-Duddy.  Queen of FD.  Oh, and this is our garage.  Isn't it pretty?

P1000731.JPG by you.

(By the way, this is Adolf, and he has nothing to do with this post.  But he sure is cute)

This must be another way to describe Schlumpadinka.  I'm one of those too.  Never thought I'd say that, but it's true.  I'm turning into my mother.  Actually, I may already be there.  I think I am my mother.  She's terrified of airplanes and long trips too.  As a matter of fact, she called me yesterday from Florida and told me she wanted to come home and would Alison and I swing by West Palm Beach and pick her up. 

The Enthusiast by David Uhl by you.

"Yeah, sure, Mom!  We'll just stick you on the roof of this PT Cruiser with the multiple pets and 2 crazy women inside.  That ought to be a more enjoyable ride than on an airplane."  Or, think of it this way:  "We've been driving for how many miles when we would get around to picking you up?  Honestly, if you look at us cross-eyed we may have to let you off on the interstate.  So, stay in Florida or take a plane home, but please don't ask me to make room in this Cruiser with an already exhausted bunch."   

Aviation-TheMissouriKid by you.

I think she got the message.  My mother doesn't like animals either.  Including humans.  She prefers peace and quiet, no responsibilities and no one bothering her.  She likes to stay holed up in her bedroom and nap - all the time.  It's her pleasure.  Which begs the question: Why does she want to come home to us anyway? 

Mominchair4 by you.

I mean, yes, she has lived with us for 10 years now, but hasn't she had enough?  It is a mess here all the time.  The laundry is never "done."  The kids are always asking for something.  The dogs bark and run into her.  School books are strung all over the family room most of the time.  The kitchen is a mess.  We're a family of 6 and we're home all the time.  Why on earth would she want to come back here? 

Aviation-Warplanes by you.

I will have to reflect on that for a minute or two.  Maybe three. 

In the meantime, I have a lot of cleaning to do before I leave because it sure won't get done while I am gone.  So I may not have an opportunity to post to this equally crazy blog until next week.  We'll just have to see what happens.   I do things by the seat of my pants anyway.  Why is that not a surprise?

So, I think I will now take my seat off this couch and clean up this house.  Which includes cleaning my carpets and scrubbing my floors, cleaning my bathrooms and changing all sheets which leads to more laundry.   Crap.

Aviation-StarckMad by you.

Please pray for me.  I need angels on Tuesday - Wednesday - Thursday - Friday - Saturday....


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