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Wednesday, October 21, 2009

You Ended Up Here?


I gotta tell you, there are times I look at my stats and laugh at who ends up here.  Some of them I just can't figure out.  For instance, someone in the U.S. House of Representatives in Washington DC wants to know how to make a shower curtain.  Now I wonder who this could be?  I wonder if my story on making shower curtains helped this person?  I wonder if they saw my colorful, spotted material and thought "Yes!  That is exactly what I want to make for my bathroom!"  Or, did they look at the fabric and think "You've got to be kidding, right?"  Who is this person?  Were they on their lunch break and looking for information on how to make a shower curtain?  Or maybe they were looking for shower curtains when they should have been typing up a bill on health care reform.  Maybe that's the problem with politicians.  They spend too much time on Google looking for instructions on how to make shower curtains and not enough time figuring out how to make the country a better place to live.


But here is the funny thing.  He or she is not the only person in the world who wants to know how to make shower curtains.  Apparently hundreds of people every day search Google for information on how to make shower curtains and they end up right here on good ol' Raisin Toast.  I can't believe how many people need shower curtains:

Mount Pleasant, South Carolina, doesn't just want to know how to make a shower curtain, this person wants to know how to make a "cool shower curtain."  

I had a visitor from Bronx, New York at the Albert Einstein College Of Medicine looking for information on how to make shower curtains too.  Someone from the Johns Hopkins Medical Institution in Baltimore, Maryland also wants to know about making shower curtains.  Seems to me like there are a lot of medical professionals in search of shower curtains.  Why is that?  There seems to be a rush for information on how to make shower curtains in this country and I get the distinct impression from Google that they don't want to buy them.


And how about stripping wallpaper?  They want to know how to strip wallpaper in:

Royal Oak, Michigan
Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, Canada
Reading, Pennsylvania
Auburn, Indiana
Southaven, Mississippi

and that is just on the first 2 pages of my stats.

Richmond, Virginia wants to know "How much does it cost to strip wallpaper?"  Well, Richmond, I'll tell ya - the cost of a spray bottle, some water from your spicket, a putty knife, 6 rolls of paper towels, a step stool or ladder, and enough time to pull your hair out.  Oh, and you'll need a radio to drown out the cussin' in the background.  You don't want to frighten off your neighbors.  They might end up having to drive somewhere and we all know how bad Virginia drivers are - about as mixed up as the chaotic roads.  I'm sure I'm going to get some hate mail about Virginia drivers now.  Oh dear.  You forget I used to live in the DC, Maryland, Metro area.  It seemed like every bad driver on the road had a Virginia license plate.  Sorry guys, but it's true.  That's part of the reason why I live in North Carolina now - so I can complain about the South Carolina drivers.  JUST KIDDING!  Anyway, did you strip your wallpaper?

Wellington, New Zealand just wants to know "how to strip."  I kind of would like to know that one myself.  If you find out, let me know.  On the other hand, maybe not.  Been there.  Done that.  It's not all it's cracked up to be.

And somebody in Stockton, California wants to know "What goes in a witches brew kids imagination." Hampton Park, Victoria, Australia, on the other hand, wants to know "What is a witches brew?"  Do I know?  I have no idea Hampton Park.  Sorry about that. 

Brooklyn, New York wants to know the recipe - "what do witches put in their magic brew?"  Don't know. Maybe "Ask.com" would know.



Someone in Medicine Hat, Alberta, Canada wants to know how to publish their own cookbook.  Did my story on publishing a cookbook help you - person - in Medicine Hat?  

and someone in Cherokee, Oklahoma wants to know too.  And so does someone in Olympia, Washington. And Honolulu, Hawaii.


Some visitors I can't figure out.  This person was looking for "sketchbook elephant in the room" and ended up in my story about Pablo Picasso.  Did they find what they wanted? Probably not.  My story wasn't exactly about Pablo Picasso.  Well, sorta.  Well, maybe not. It wasn't about an elephant in the room either that I recall.


Memphis, Tennessee wanted to know what an oak tree leaf looks like.  Don't they have oak trees in Tennessee?



Someone in Olney, Maryland wants to know how to make storyboards in Photoshop.  My question to you is - Do I know you?  I know a lot of people in Olney, Maryland.  I grew up there.  Our restaurant burned down there in 1978.  I have memories from Olney.  Some good.  Some bad.  Some very bad.  Like the time some lady in a red car cut in front of me and stopped dead on Georgia Avenue.  I rammed right into her.  I was 8 months pregnant and I was not happy.  Instead of getting angry I think I passed out.  That was after the medic arrived.  I told the police to keep the bumper to my car but they didn't.  Memories of Olney.  How about this - the first guy I ever kissed used to work at the Olney Fire Station and the Giant Food too.  I was 15.  I was hormonal.  It was Olney, Maryland. Or how about the time that this first boyfriend turned the light red in front of the firehouse for 5 minutes just to back up traffic and show off for me?  And how about the time my brother was driving his car around the bend on Georgia Avenue in front of Tanterra and his car got struck by lightening.  Or the time I had a head-on collision with a 4-point buck and had green gunk all over my windshield and a caved in front end.  Just a few hours after the accident, somebody had already come along and cut off the deer's head.  What kind of person does that?  Someone in Olney no doubt.


Somebody in Saint Charles, Missouri wants black shutters with a yellow house.  I do too. 

A poor soul in Birmingham, Alabama is "afraid of getting their driver's license" and I suppose wanted to see if anyone else had the same dilemma.  

Los Angeles, California wants to know about "the best low luster polyurathane paint."  I wonder if he found the information he or she needed here on Raisin Toast?

In Louisville, Kentucky they're looking for a sunroom sofa.  Sorry Louisville, don't have one.


And in Pompano Beach, Florida - you there in Pompano - did you figure out how to $%#!! your Mac computer?  I'd really like to know.

Tampa, Florida wants to know about "racism in South Carolina in 1964" and they spent quite some time poking around Raisin Toast.  I wonder if they found out what they needed to know?  If you watch that movie "The Secret Life of Bees" or read the book, you'll find out what it must have been like back then. 


In Fort Lauderdale, Florida someone wants to know "what does big round orbs mean in a picture?"   

Stoke-on-trent, Stoke-on-trent, United Kingdom wants a picture of spaghetti on toast.  Okay, one order of spaghetti on toast comin' right up.

Kiev, Kyyivs'ka Oblast', Ukraine was looking for "House of my dreams."  Makes you wonder doesn't it?  I mean, Google can search the internet, but it can't read minds.  A little more information here.  Did you find the house of your dreams here?  If so, let me know.  Ours might be on the market soon.

Kochi, Kerala, India wants to know "wordings for raisin toast for marriage."  Don't you mean "how to give a toast at a marriage?" or something like that.  Wordings for raisin toast?  I'm so confused!

Central District, Hong Kong wants to know about "hammering a cookie dough."  

Charlotte, North Carolina wants to know "another word for high school."  How about - uh - "high school?"

Moscow, Moscow City, Russian Federation is looking for "my dream room"  I wonder if that was Vladimir Putin searching on Google for his dream room?  Ya think?


Red Deer, Alberta, Canada wants to know "does bootcamp screw up your mac?"  I don't know.  I really don't know.  But thanks for stopping by!

Newport, Michigan wants to know "How long should I wait to see the doctor if I think I have swine flu?" How about not wait at all.  My best advice to Newport is see your doctor, silly, if you think you have the swine flu.  By the time you figure it out you might otherwise be dead.  Hope that answers your question.

In Greenbrier, Tennessee they did a search for "wedding chest love never fails."  Hmm.  I'm still thinking about that one.

Ludvika, Dalarnas Lan, Sweden asks Google "What did you do to me?"  I don't know honey, you tell me.

Singapore, Singapore and Long Beach, California want to know "another word for visual."  How about:  adjective: visual defectsopticalopticoculareyevisionsight. Or, a visual indication that the alarm worksvisibleperceptibleperceivablediscernible. Noun: the speaker used excellent visualsgraphicvisual aidimageillustration,diagramdisplayshow and tell.  There you go Singapore and Long Beach.  If you need another word - look in a "Thesaurus." There are a bunch of them online, but maybe you knew that already.  Or, maybe you didn't.  Or maybe you just thought I was smarter than a thesaurus.

Bangalore, Karnataka, India wants some "crazy gals."  Yep, we've got at least one here.

Raleigh, North Carolina wants to know "what is needed to publish a cookbook?"  Well, I'll tell ya, Raleigh - I think you might need recipes.  Good recipes.  Lots of recipes.  Maybe some graphics or illustrations.  And a publisher or a printer.



Rosedale, Maryland wanted to find a "poem for mother in law passing."  I can show you mine. I wrote it for my mother-in-law just before she passed away this past May. 

Reykjavík, Gullbringusysla, Iceland did a search for "raisin toast."  Well, I have some good news, Iceland - you found me.


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